Dear DBS
Dear DBS,
How do you deal with money/deposit situations when the person paying (FOB) has questions/fights you on everything?
This one is really tricky! We are so glad you asked. The best possible strategy is to ask for your entire wedding budget up front. (Yes, you will have to be really brave) But rather than trying to get money from parents each time you are ready to book something, negotiating a total budget in the beginning can eliminate so many arguments and awkward conversations. It may even surprise your parents that you are asking upfront and show them that you have really thought the process through and that you are responsible and capable.
We know how difficult this task can be for a couple, but the truth is having frank and honest conversations need to be the foundation of your new family relationship. The hope is,parents will come to respect you as your own family unit, able to make independent decisions. You can explain that it will be so much easier and timelier to have the money upfront, rather than having to come to them with every little decision or booking fee along the way.
As much as we are for asking upfront, we are also aware this can make already fearful parents feel left out. So, it will really help to spend some time affirming the relationship and determining expectations for their involvement. Explain that you do want to honor them, have them involved, and hear their suggestions and advice, maybe even stating with compassion that you realize this is a big day for them, as well (remembering that it can be hard to let go of your children, hence trying to control every last thing before they start their own new family apart from them). A little compassion often goes a long way.
Another step in reassuring them is to invite them to write down three things they would like to have a say in or help choose,and let them know you will agree whole heartedly to that commitment.
Of course, It is very important to make sure you and your significant other are on the same page before ever talking with parents about financial issues. You need predetermine what is most important to you both at your wedding. Once you have agreed on your nonnegotiable, as a couple you will be able to stand strong together, and even walk away if necessary.
If you are unable to get the money up front, which we know happens a lot, then hiring a wedding planner is our second suggestion. Inserting a professional into these difficult conversations can help to depersonalize the issues. Wedding Planners can explain the benefits to parents with professional clarity so that it’s not emotional, it’s just smart business.
Dear DBS,
I don't want a child screaming or crying during my ceremony aka I don't want kids at wedding. My fiancé’s sis has a 5yo, 1yo and is currently pregnant, and the baby will be born before the wedding. My fiancé is close with his brother… how do I tell them the toddlers can't come??
The fact of the matter is somebody will probably get their feelings hurt by your wedding plans, one way or another. You must remember that you will never please everybody. With that said, this is where determining the non-negotiables for your wedding ahead of time is so important. Because at some point you are going to have to be blunt and hold your ground on an issue, and this may just be the one. If you decide your wedding is an adult only event, then you will need to make it very clear and find a way to enforce the policy.
We must add that this is another place where a wedding coordinator can be really helpful to depersonalize the situation. If you have a wedding coordinator they can be the enforcer, rather than you. Sometimes hearing the hard and fast rules coming from a non-biased third party can really help. Tell your wedding planner to frame it as a benefit, the couple really wants family to be able to enjoy the evening with them, no distractions,etc.
Traditionally, if the wedding invitation only lists the names of the adults, then it's implied that the children aren't invited. For example, if the invitation says “Mr. and Mrs. John and Sarah Smith” as opposed to “Mr. and Mrs. John and Sarah Smith, Ashley, Chris, and Sam”. Unfortunately, many people aren’t familiar with these traditional rules. If you plan to include an RSVP card, then you may want to put a note stating “Adults Only Please” under the line where they RSVP for the number attending.
The main thing to remember is that this is your special day. So, even if people get their feelings hurt or don’t love the choices you make regarding your wedding, if they really love you they will respect your wishes.
Dear DBS,
What’s the best way to get organized, and not feel overwhelmed?
Hire a wedding coordinator. Yes, we know this entire blog sounds like an advertisement for wedding coordinators, but seriously they are life savers! Your wedding coordinator will help you streamline your thoughts, determine your budget, contact vendors, and even schedule appointments for you etc. They can answer questions and handle your panic attacks, handle your family, and most can even talk you off a window ledge if necessary.
Not enough in the budget to hire a coordinator, go online and download a wedding checklist or wedding planning App for your phone. Most of them will be organized along a timeline so that you will know what you need to do and when you need to do it, like to the day. Then you can start to delegate.
You MUST delegate. That’s the second step to not being overwhelmed. Depending on the size of your wedding, you will not be able to do everything yourself. Just go ahead and adjust that expectation up front and welcome the help of your bridesmaids and family. Be specific and clear about what you want, and go read our blog about setting realistic goals for your bridal party.
Third, attend the Denton Bridal Show and any other show for that matter! It’s a great way to maximize your time, meeting with a lot of vendors all at once, rather than scheduling multiple appointments and walk thru’s. Plus, there is the bonus of swag and possibly winning one of our CRAZY RAFFLE PRIZES- free wedding, free photography package, or a free photo booth!
We hope this helps!
Sincerely,
Denton Bridal Show
Have a wedding dilemma or question about planning? Maybe we can help! Whether you are a bride or a groom, MOB or FOB, member of the bridal party or family, or a vendor please send your questions our way and we will do our best to answer them. Contact us on Instagram or via our website contact page.